I was born again in 1991 at Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church in Fort Lauderdale. I now attend Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale.
If you are born again then you will understand. If you aren’t then let me ask you these two questions;
Have you come to the point in your spiritual life that you know that if you died today you would go to heaven? If you were to die today and God asked you ‘why should I let you into my Heaven?’ what would you say?
I was never asked those questions up to that point in my life. In fact, I never even thought much of heaven or how to get there. I had read a little from the Bible and I spent some time at a catholic youth group but no one ever talked about salvation or Heaven. The Bible speaks about Heaven and being saved, Jesus said in John 3:3 “Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.”
Paul said in Romans 10:9″ That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.”
So I said a prayer to ask Jesus into my heart and to forgive me for my sins and that was the beginning of my life as a Christian.
Thanks to Janice Williams
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction. “Hello,” said the little boy. “Hi,” replied the little girl. “Where are you going?” asked the little boy. “I’ve been to church this morning and I’m on my way home,” answered the little girl. “I’m also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?” asked the little boy. “I go to the Baptist church back down the road,” replied the little girl. “What about you?” “I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill,” replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they’d walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet. “If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom’s going to skin me alive,” said the little girl. “My Mom’ll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,” replied the little boy. “I tell you what I think I’ll do,” said the little girl. “I’m gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.” “That’s a good idea,” replied the little boy. “I’m going to do the same thing with my suit.” So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.
They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked, “You know, I never realized before, just how much difference there really is between a BAPTIST and a METHODIST!!!
15. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”
14. “Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.” (My personal favorite.)
13. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
12. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun.”
11. “So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”
10. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”
9. “Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
8. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
7. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO.”
6. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven ”
5. “No, sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”
4. “Just how big were those two beers?
3. “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC (National Crime Information Center).”
2. “I’m glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours at least you know someone who can post your bail.”
And……………….. THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!
1 “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.”
Funny Police Sayings
- You have the bladder capacity of five people.
- You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
- You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air.
- Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery and a car chase.
- You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you.
- Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you.
- You find humor in other people’s stupidity.
- You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills.
- You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
- You have your weekends off planned for a year.
- You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
- You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, it sure is quiet tonight.”
- A little “stick time” has nothing to do with baseball.
- (Can you say “TAZER”???)
- You refer to your favorite restaurant by the intersection at which its located.
- You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: “Suicide…getting it right the first time.”
- You have ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably.
- You believe the Watch Sgt. is a crap magnet possessed by a demon.
- Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
- You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
- The person you’re speaking with states, “That’s not mine. I have no idea how that got there.”
- You believe anyone who says, “I only had two beers” is going to blow more than a .15
- You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.
- People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places.
- You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body.
- You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession.
- You walk into places and people think it’s high comedy to seize their buddy and shout, “They’ve come to get you, Bill.”
- You do not see daylight from November until May.
- People shout, “I didn’t do it!” when you walk into a room and think they’re being hugely funny and original.
- You’ve ever started a sentence with the phrase “We had this awesome dead body earlier. You should have seen it.”
- A week’s worth of laundry consists of 5 T-shirts, 5 pairs of socks, and 5 pairs of underwear.
- You’ve ever referred to Thursday as “My Monday”.
- You’ve ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction.
- Anyone has ever said, “There are people killing other people out there and you are here messing with me.”
This is the first time I completely changed my site in some time. It must be a couple years since I built the coldfusion site that I just replaced. I liked the look so I tried to keep it as close to what it was as possible, but now it is a wordpress platform and I used my favorite theme – suffusion.