Carlos (our adopted son) moved in this week. He starts school Monday. This will be a big challenge for all of us but we are all looking forward to it.
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you. ‘I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.
Next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies , ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop.
Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books, such as ‘How to Improve Your Business’ and ‘Becoming More Successful.’
Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between left and right.
WOULDN’T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?
My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world’s nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely.
The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don’t care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2 Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2 President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty – starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we’ll be drilling for oil in Alaska – which will take care of this country’s oil needs for decades to come. If you’re an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, “darn tootin.”
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won’t forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America. Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.
I don’t claim in any way to be the author of any of these but I do like them.
- “God believes in separation of church and state, it’s call the Rapture!”
- “If you find a job you like you won’t work a day in your life.”
- “Men love who they are attracted to, woman are attracted to whom they love.”
- “It’s how you look, not how GOOD you look that counts. There is a man out there who will love the way you look.”
- “Someone who is nice to me, but not nice to the waiter is NOT a nice person.”
- “Any day above ground is a good day.”
- “want to know what your spouse thinks? Answer the question yourself and the complete opposite is what your spouse would think.”
- "My Brilliance is the only thing that overshadows my humility!"
- "It is more important to BE the right person than it is to FIND the right person!"
Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird… Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
This is interesting. And notably, the changed facts are seldom reported like the oroginal one.
What is the Christian to think when we are told so often that the “facts of science” prove evolution – and disprove the Bible’s story of man’s history.
Not all “facts” are created equal. For example, the fact that Jesus Christ was a real person is not open to interpretation. He is mentioned in the Bible and by other writings of the time. That’s a fact. Evolutionists use a different meaning for the word “fact.”
A fossil, the “Tepexpan Man” is an example of an evolutionary “fact.” “Tepexpan Man” is a fossil which, school children were taught, lived over 10,000 years ago. It is now known to be less than 2,000 years old and is a woman! An object found in the United States was said to be a fossilized egg possibly 16 million years old. Now it is known that the object is a three to five year old stomach stone from a modern mammal – possibly a cow. A giant fossil found in South Australia early in 1990 was declared to be Australia’s largest dinosaur bone. Further study has now shown the object to be a fossilized tree trunk. As I said, all “facts” are not created equal!
You need to know that most of the “facts” that you were taught 20 years ago supporting evolution have since been found to be either in error or open to serious question. Evolutionary “facts” are only interpretations of the world. So the Christian can follow the truth of Scripture with confidence, knowing that the Bible is unchallenged by the “facts” of evolution.
CLICK ON THE YEAR YOU WERE BORN, AND READ THE NEWS FOR THAT YEAR.
1900_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1900.html )
_1901_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1901.html
_1902_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1902.html )
_1903_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1903.html )
_1904_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1904.html )
_1905_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1905.html )
_1906_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1906.html )
_1907_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1907.html
_1908_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1908.html )
_1909_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1909.html )
_1910_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1910.html )
_1911_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1911.html )
_1912_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1912.html )
_1913_ ( http://www.infopleasecom/year/1913.html )
_1914_ ( http://www.infoplease.com/year/1914.html )
POLICE # 1 : While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? "Yes, that’s right," I told her. "Well, then, "she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2 : It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said," What’d he do?"
NUDITY: I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom! that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY: My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, “cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.”
OPINIONS: On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother which read: “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”
KETCHUP: A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “It’s the minister, Mommy,” the child said to her mother. Then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”
MORE NUDITY: A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”
ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”
DRESS-UP: A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”
DEATH: While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn …and into the hole he gooooes.
SCHOOL: A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”
BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found”, the boy called out.” What have you got there, dear?” With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”
Renting the Hertz Shelby Mustang was a birthday gift from my wife.
