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The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My personal favorite.)
13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."
6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven "
5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
4. "Just how big were those two beers?
3. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC (National Crime Information Center)."
2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours at least you know someone who can post your bail."
And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!
1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't."
Lost In Translation
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time, robbing banks in Texas.
Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, DEAD or ALIVE!
A trigger happy, young, enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track down the bandit on his own and collect the reward. After a lengthy search, the Ranger tracked the bandit to his favorite cantina and snuck up behind him.
At the sound of the Ranger's guns cocking and preparing to fire, the surprised bandit turned around only to see both of the Ranger's six-shooters bearing down on him.
The Ranger announced, "You're under arrest! Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll drop you where you stand," his finger becoming itchy on the trigger.
However, the bandit didn't speak English and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
Fortunately for the Ranger, a bilingual lawyer was present in the cantina and translated the Ranger's demand to the bandit.
The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried next to an old oak tree behind the cantina.
"What did he say, what did he say?", the Ranger hurriedly asked.
To which the lawyer replied, "Well, the best I can make out he said ... DRAW!"
Bad News - Good News
"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client.
"What's the bad news?"
The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."
"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"
"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."
Spotted Owl
A man is defending himself at trial after having been caught by a game warden just as he blew a Spotted Owl into a flurry of feathers.
After reading the charges, the judge, well known for his environmental sympathies, gravely announced that since the species concerned is in danger of imminent extinction, he would have to make an example out of the defendant.
The man, waxing eloquent, said he was very sorry for what he'd done, but that he was totally destitute and needed the bird to need his hungry children. All he had to his name, he said, his coice cracking with emotion, was the little bit of bird shot he had left in his gun.
The judge took off his glasses to wipe a tear from the corner of his eye, and after regaining his composure, told the defendant he would let him go with a warning this time.
The man beamed with pride as he started out of the courtroom.
Just then, the judge called out, "Oh, by the way, what does a Spotted Owl taste like?"
The man's face came alive as he turned around and said, "Your honor, it's hard to describe. Sort of a cross between a Bald Eagle, a Whopping Crane and a California Condor."
Arrest My Lawyer
A man was charged with stealing a car, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day the man came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that lawyer of mine."
"Why?" asked the judge, "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"
"Well, your honor," replied the man, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
Legal Quick Jokes
Prosecutor: What were you doing on July 15 at 9 o'clock in the evening?
Prisoner: I was eating hamburger.
Prosecutor: What were you doing at 9:30 p.m.?
Prisoner: I was taking a bicarbonate of soda.
Prosecutor: Do you expect us to believe you?
Prisoner: You would if you had eaten one of those hamburgers.
Policeman: Why were you driving so fast?
Motorist: Because there aren't any brakes on the car and I wanted to get home before I had an accident.
Policeman: I'm giving you a ticket for speeding.
Motorist: I wasn't speeding, officer, but I passed a couple of fellows who were.
Prisoner: All I want is justice!
Judge: I'd like to help you, but all I can give you is ten years.
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
Heart Transplent
A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away.
Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker".
The man quickly responds, "the attorney's".
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"
You May Need A New Lawyer If
Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
A prison guard is shaving your head.
Advice
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Lawyer In Need Of A Doctor
Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?" "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor." "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine." "What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something." "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
"Why are you reading that to me?" "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady came in the other day limping .."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor." "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone." "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him." "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.'"
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?" "I better check you out first." "Don't check me out, just give the dope." "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
"What for?" "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were." "I'm not going to sue you." "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a suit after you pass the kidney stone?"