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The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My personal favorite.)
13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."
6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven "
5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
4. "Just how big were those two beers?
3. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC (National Crime Information Center)."
2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours at least you know someone who can post your bail."
And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!
1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't."
He saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair !" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
Three MBA's cram into a restroom
Three lawyers and three MBA's are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the MBA's each buy tickets and watch as the three lawyers buy only a single ticket
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an MBA.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the lawyers.
They all board the train. The MBA's take their respective seats but all three lawyers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The MBA's discussed this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the MBA's decide to copy the lawyers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the lawyers don't buy any tickets at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed MBA.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a lawyer.
When they board the train the three MBA's cram into a restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the lawyers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the MBA's are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Do they ever bury two people in the same grave?
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"Can I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Susan," the man replied.
"Sir, Susan is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No, I must see Susan" was the man's reply.
Just then, Susan appeared and announced to the man that she charged $2,000 an hour. Without hesitation, the man pulled out twenty one-hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to see Susan. Susan explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive and there were no discounts. The price was still $2,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Susan and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Susan and they went upstairs. After their session, Susan said to the man. "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, "California."
"Really?" she said. "I have family in California."
"I know," the man said. "Your aunt died and I am your cousin's lawyer. She instructed me to give you your $6,000 inheritance."
Say What You Mean
A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.
Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they," asked the driver.
"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.
"The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'"
This Is Why
Satan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"
And so God created lawyers.
One Way To Tell When You Have Had Enough
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.
A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.
The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?"
The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."